Welcome to Friday 411, issue #084. In 4 minutes, with 1 insight and 1 action, you will be prepared for your next hard conversation.
1 Insight
Holding off on hard conversations increases your frustration and causes the problem to grow.
As a leader, you’ve faced your share of difficult conversations. It’s part of the job.
Those hard conversations include:
- resolving conflict
- correcting mistakes
- delivering bad news
- upholding accountability
- challenging viewpoints
- improving performance
Hard conversations can feel overwhelming, but they’re necessary. They require courage and a strategy to handle them effectively.
If you’re like most leaders, though, you don’t have a strategy for these tough moments. Instead, you might find yourself:
- Hoping things get better on their own.
- Holding off on the conversation, counting on time to ease the situation.
- Handing off the responsibility to someone else, like HR.
Unfortunately, these strategies usually make things worse. The problem festers, your frustration grows, and the conversation becomes even more daunting. So, what should you do instead?
Handling the Hard Conversations: A Character Issue
In our time of studying leaders and leadership, we’ve seen 7 root causes of 95% of organizational problems. All of those root causes start with leadership: Character, Competence, Capacity, Clarity, Community, Culture, and Consistency.
Engaging in hard conversations is a Character Issue. Influencing others requires two types of Character: Moral Character (doing what’s right) and Leadership Character (doing what’s uncomfortable).
Leadership Character requires you to choose a different response than Hoping, Holding Off, or Handing Off. You need to Handle the Hard Conversation.
Questions that Make a Difficult Conversation Easier
Here are seven questions to help you prepare for a difficult conversation:
1. Why Am I Having This Conversation?
Start by clarifying your motivation. Why is this conversation necessary? For example, if a team member’s performance has been slipping, think about how this individual affects the team and the organization. Understanding your reasons will help you stay focused and communicate more effectively.
2. What Do I Know to Be True?
Emotions can cloud your judgment, especially when dealing with someone you care about. One of our clients faced this dilemma. His direct report was well-liked but was causing significant financial losses due to poor leadership. Our client genuinely liked this person, so he struggled to confront the harsh reality of the situation.
To gain clarity, separate your emotions from the facts. Acknowledge your feelings but focus on the objective data—like performance reports or feedback—that supports the need for this conversation.
3. What Is the Desired Outcome?
Before you start the conversation, decide what you want to achieve. Are you aiming to improve performance, initiate a disciplinary plan, demote the individual, implement a new policy, or challenge them to a new practice?
Knowing your end goal will help you steer the conversation in the right direction.
4. What Do I Expect the Other Person to Do as a Result of This Conversation?
Hard conversations often fail to achieve the desired outcome because you don’t guide the person to specific actions. This mistake is like a doctor diagnosing you with appendicitis then sending you home to figure out what to do on your own.
Determine the specific actions that you expect. These actions should be concrete, not fuzzy. Here’s what the difference sounds like:
Fuzzy: “Make more calls by the end of the month.”
Concrete: “Make at least 50 outbound calls every day by the end of the month.”
5. What Are the Main Discussion Points and Supporting Evidence?
Determine any discussion points and supporting evidence. All of the discussion points and evidence should drive you to the outcome you want to achieve (#3) and the actions you want the person to take (#4).
Answering this question will keep you focused. During difficult conversations, it’s easy to get distracted by emotions — both yours and the other person’s. These points help you stay focused on the desired outcome, even if emotions get heated.
6. What Are the First Three Sentences I’m Going to Say?
Starting a difficult conversation can be awkward, especially if you’re trying to soften the blow with small talk. This can come across as insincere or even manipulative. Instead, write down your opening lines to set a clear and respectful tone.
For instance: “I want to discuss your recent performance because it’s been affecting the team. My goal is to work together to improve it. This conversation will help establish a plan for improving it.”
7. How Will We Follow Up?
Finally, decide how you’ll follow up after the conversation. This could be a check-in meeting, a progress report, or a simple text to confirm that an action was completed. Following up shows that you’re serious about the outcome and that you’re committed to helping the other person succeed.
By answering these seven questions, you’ll be better prepared to handle difficult conversations. While preparation won’t eliminate the discomfort, it will help you approach the situation with confidence and clarity, leading to a more positive and productive outcome.
1 Action
Is there a hard conversation you’ve been putting off? Use these 7 questions to help you prepare for it.
